Oh My Gosh...

Isaiah & I have been sick since my last post.  We started getting better just last week.  A bit lingers on - a little congestion almost every morning but gone again by night time.  It was just a really bad cold, with fever, sore throats & congestion.  Marcus & family wanted to take him to the hospital because it wasn't going away.  But I convinced them to leave it alone.  That there was no medicine that would cure a cold, and I was confident that it was only a cold, nothing bacterial.  I didn't let him take any tylenol because I had heard too much about baby medicine recalls. 

Anyway, lots has happened in the mean time.  Too much to talk about tonight.

Tonight, I'm saying Oh my gosh because Marcus is trying to put Isaiah asleep.  Historically I put him to sleep because I've got the soothing voice.

While he was sick, we got into the habit of nursing in bed while lying down, whenever he wished.  Right before bed, right before nap time, whenever.  He did it so much, he now just rolls over whenever he is hungry.  This led to his waking more frequently throughout the night.  Also, there were many nights when he would only fall asleep in my arms, a characteristic he didn't even have when he was new.  He got used to that too.  I knew when he was better, we would have to get back to him putting himself to sleep.

I decided tonight would be the night.  I put him to bed in his crib when I knew he was tired & full.  We let him cry for 7 minutes, and Marcus couldn't take it any longer.  He went to try to get him to sleep.  He pushed me out of the room when I tried to help.  He's probably been in there 15 minutes now, and the crying is worse than it was after 7 minutes of his crying by himself. 

Marcus likes to accuse me of spoiling Isaiah.  I always ask him what he would do in the same situation.  Now I know.

When No One is Watching

When Isaiah & I got home tonight from his Nana & Papa's house, he was still very sleepy (after taking a nap during the long ride home).  So I put him down in his crib.  I patted his back and rubbed his head and sang to him.  Usually when I do this for awhile, he will relax, I can walk away, and he will go to sleep.  Tonight if I stopped touching him or singing, he wailed.  The tired tormented kind of wails.  I knew he would go to sleep eventually, but I didn't want to leave him.  So while his head was turned the other way, I stopped mommying him and ducked down onto the floor next to his crib.  I listened to his cries as they got lighter.  Then I pulled up a little portion of his bumper and peeked inside.  He was so cute.  He cried a little then sniffled then cried.  Every once in awhile he would open his eyes & then close them again.  What an amazing thing to be able to sneak a glimpse into his world without his knowing...  Everyone is different when no one is watching.  Even babies. 

Shots = Crack

I forgot to mention last time when discussing the doctor visit...  Isaiah is 11 pounds!  That just makes me really happy & proud.  My milk is allowing my baby to grow.  (He was 7.1 when he was born). 

The day he got his first round of shots, he slept a lot.  We thought that was a good sign.  The doctor joked that she wished she could give her girls shots just so they would sleep. 

However, the next day was quite a different picture.  Isaiah didn't sleep at all. 

He would eat & play & get his diaper changed here & there.  He was a happy baby...

Then he would get fussy like he was tired. 

Yes, he's definitely tired.  Don't know if you can tell, but he's got 2 fistfuls of my hair.

All normal. 

Then he would lay down to take a nap, and it would take forever to get him to sleep.  Still moderately normal. 

Then he would go to sleep.  Are those crossed legs not the most adorable thing ever?

But he would only sleep for maybe 2 minutes.  The longest nap was 10 minutes. 

Then he would wake up a completely new baby, like he had been sleeping for hours... 

Ready to conquer the world.

This went on & on & on all day & night until about 3 in the morning.  Then FINALLY, when I was contemplating drinking some coffee to study while staying up all night, he decided to stay asleep. 

That first day of sleeping was nice, but I would never wish for that day knowing what the next day would bring.

Eight Days

I can’t believe it’s been a week already.  I can’t believe I gave birth to that baby that was in my belly for 10 months.  I can’t believe I actually gave birth.  I can’t believe I have a baby. 

These are the thoughts that constantly run through my mind these days.

It’s been 8 days since Isaiah was born.  And it has been quite a fairy tale.  A fairy tale with villains & adventures, with magic & happiness.

In other words, it’s been difficult but wonderful. 

My mom & little sister have been saints in taking care of me while Marcus is at work, which has been a lot this past week.  They cooked & cleaned & brought me water & comforted Isaiah when I needed to take a shower or eat.  While nursing, I have been reading about nursing (Breastfeeding Made Simple & The Nursing Mother’s Companion), and I read a theory that the reason there are high rates of postpartum depression & baby blues in the U.S. is because we don’t emphasize a postpartum support system as much as they do in other countries.  My heart goes out to all the new mothers that don’t have the support they need, and thank you to my family for giving it to me.  I can’t imagine doing this without them. 

And Marcus, he’s been fabulous too.  It’s been a little tough on him because he’s been working the several events we’ve had this week along with working his other job.  But when he’s home, he’s so helpful, wanting to spend a lot of time with Isaiah.  Waking up in the middle of the night to help calm him, taking him for walks outside in the morning before it gets too hot, and changing lots of diapers.  During the first few difficult nights, when I couldn’t get our baby to stop crying, I said to him, “I’m sorry I can’t do it all by myself.”   His response was, “Jewel, you’re not supposed to.” 

But we’ve both lost a lot of sleep.  Some nights Isaiah will want to feed seemingly all night.  Then some nights he will be fine, but the days will be long.  At first I didn’t want to keep feeding him because I thought, surely he can’t be hungry again.  So I tried to calm him in other ways.  This meant there was a lot of crying & screaming in the middle of the night.  But since then from reading & talking to other mothers, we can’t be the ones to decide whether he has had enough milk, and it’s perfectly normal for babies to go on “feeding frenzies” at any point(s) throughout the day or night.  So now I feed him as often as he desires, and everyone is much happier. 

Breast feeding was a little painful at first.  Then at my postpartum checkup Sarah taught me what I was doing wrong & how to fix it.  He wasn’t latching on properly.  Since then, I think we’re getting the hang of it, or I’m learning his rhythm as one book would say, & the soreness is subsiding.

Isaiah’s cord fell off three days ago.  Instead of alcohol we used a hairdryer on low for every diaper change.  So he had his first bath Tuesday.  I think hatred might be a good word for his current feelings towards baths.  Next time I will bring him in a bath with me. 

Yesterday we made an unexpected visit to the Rabbi Michael Rovinsky, because when we finally got around to calling him that morning, he advised that he was about to leave for Israel & that we should come in that day.  So we took our first trip, my first time outside in a week & Isaiah’s first time in a car.  Climbing a flight of stairs was a little difficult, and it may have not been a recommended outing for my recovery, but I feel fine.  Isaiah liked riding in a car.  It soothed him to sleep after the circumcision. 

The Rabbi was recommended to us by our midwife.  We were told of two possible procedures, the hospital kind & the Rabbi Rovinsky kind, and we chose the Rabbi’s 30 second circumcision compared to the hospital’s 30 minute one.  We are quite pleased with the decision & that we called him when we did.  He made us feel comfortable with fabulous bedside manner & finished the procedure as quickly as promised. 

Changing his diaper afterwards though is...  Heartbreaking.  And I'm pretty sure he's having nightmares about it because I've never seen him so active in his sleep.  I can’t wait for it to heal.

He’s getting bigger, in length, in his belly, and in his face.  He’s getting cuter, if that’s even possible. 

Since I have been nursing & changing diapers & trying to sleep & eat, I have had very little time for anything else.  I’m behind on work, school, & writing.  I still haven’t written my version of the birth, which is extremely important to me.  I feel like I should be doing all of that & exercising & cooking & cleaning already. 

But I’m not.  My midwife scared me into believing that I would recover faster if I forced myself to rest.  And I am sooooo grateful that I am able to.  That I have a business that allows me to take a step back.  That I have a boyfriend that is there to take over that business & to help comfort me & Isaiah when he’s not working.  That I have family that takes care of me.  That I have friends that continue to send their love.  That I get to spend most of my days getting to know my son.  That I have a healthy beautiful baby boy. 

Lullaby and Goodnight

I was propped up in my bed the other night getting ready to read, when the most thrilling thing happened.  I saw Isaiah move for the first time.  How magical!  I wanted him to keep moving, so I thought singing might excite him.  Not that he would be able to understand the words or discern that it was his mother's voice.  But he might hear something. 

I wanted to sing him this song my mom used to sing to us.  All five of us.  She rewrote the lyrics to Lullaby and Goodnight.  Until I looked up that song just now to provide a link to the original lyrics, I had no idea what they were.  Brahm's Lullaby meant nothing to me.  But the song my mom used to sing meant everything. 

I started to sing her song to Isaiah.  I soon realized I didn't remember all the words to that version either. 

It was about 11:30pm.  I called my mom anyway.  She was awake watching a movie with my little sister. 

"Mom, I forgot the words to Lullaby and Goodnight, and I need to sing it to Isaiah.  Can you sing it for me?" 

She did.  And in those few moments, the sound of my mother's voice incited the tenderest feelings of nostalgia.  Of course there were tears in my eyes.  So much that when it was time to sing the song to Isaiah, I couldn't all the way because the tears wouldn't stop.  Oh emotions.  I finished it eventually, regardless if I was choked up most of the way through. 

Here are her words.  I love you Mom.

Lullaby, and good night. 

Let your dreams be of Jesus. 

Close your eyes, think of Him, 

And let him give you peace. 

Think of Him, Isaiah, and His heavenly home. 

He'll come back just for us. 

And we'll live with Him there.