Going to the Chapel

I went to church on New Year’s Eve.

I was pretty upset when the boyfriend made his decision, but it was also his birthday, so wasn’t going to bitch on his birthday. 

I have nothing against church at all, but church on New Year’s Eve??  Why?

I found out why.  I’m happy to know that there is historical significance.  It’s a traditional service called Watch Night.  Origins can go all the way back to early Christians in Germany in 1732, but the tradition is mostly still practiced by African Americans because of 1862, when slaves gathered at churches and homes awaiting the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation, signed on January 1st, 1863. 

It began at 10:00 PM.  There were lots of people there, adults & children.  The preacher opened with inviting five people to share their testimonies.  The first lady got up there and started telling us about a wreck she got in, how she could have gotten killed, but God saved her. 

Then she yelled, “And then the system fucked me over!” 

Half the crowd was silent in shock, the other half was whispering & booing.  She tried to keep going.  An usher came & whispered something in her ear & walked her back to her seat. 

Someone else stood up to speak, but the lady kept yelling out things.  The preacher told her she would be escorted out if she continued.  She went crazy, angry at the church for trying to control her.  She must have been drunk.  A bunch of big guys came & escorted her to the lobby.  Her family followed.

Amusing beginning.

Then came the choirs, choirs from churches all over the area.  That was my favorite part.  One song was so beautiful, I cried.  It was quite a moment.

When the song was over, I grabbed my boyfriend’s hand to confirm that we were sharing the moment.  It was different for him though, because he placed my hand back in my own lap. 

Then it was over for me.  The tears kept coming.  Through the rest of the music.  Through the sermon.  Through 12:00 & 12:01 when Marcus gave me a hug instead of a kiss.  Practically all the way until 1:30 AM when the service ended. 

Holidays are a little emotional for me.  Christmas, my birthday, and New Year’s Eve.  I want to be with people I love, not a bunch of strangers, even if they compose my “heavenly family.”  He would have been sufficient, but I felt like he was their with them, not me. 

Plus this is the fourth New Year’s I’ve known him.  The first I didn’t even think of him.  The second I was working and he was off celebrating his birthday at a nearby club.  The third, I was in a hotel room in Grenada, Mississippi having Christmas with my family the night before my little brother’s wedding.  I probably cried every one of those nights because I didn’t get the special kiss you’re supposed to get on New Year’s, the kiss that says What a year, and I want to share the next with you too.  I was hoping for one this year, the first we’ve been together.  I don’t know which is worse, not being with him, or being beside him & feeling he’s not there. 

I thought about our future and if I was going to have to adjust to all New Year’s Eves being like this one.  Especially next year, when I have a six month old that I won’t want to leave with anyone or take with me anywhere.  Will I be staying at home alone while he goes & celebrates his birthday at the club, at a party with friends, or at church? 

He asked me what was wrong.  But he didn’t understand when I told him.  We didn’t talk about it after that because I was too sad.  And I’m sure he was angry that I was sad over something so silly.  Also I think he was a little depressed about turning 30, and maybe subconsciously he didn’t want to be communicative about anything. 

So much for my being unselfish on his birthday.  I cried through the whole thing.

This year I discovered three holiday marital issues we will have.  Telling our kids about Santa (I vehemently don’t want to do it), where to spend Christmas morning (This year worked out, but I’m sure in the future, he’ll want it to be at his house), and where to spend New Year’s Eve.  Our opposing opinions are very important to both of us.  How will we decide?

And now...  More pictures from Christmas...

We found out how great of an uncle my brother is! 

My little sister & brother.  Can you tell we're related?

I know, I know, we look fabulous.

Family pic.  I think My brother-in-law & nephew win the best looking at 8am award.

He loves his, as stepson to-be would call it, tapstick.

He was trying so hard to smile.

There you go!

It took us about 20 takes to get him to keep the hat on.

The end!!! 

Christmas Number Two

Now this is what I'm talking about.  Stopping for pictures with your new gifts.  Laughing & laughing about reactions and reasons for getting certain things. 

This is Marcus and his son with matching hats my mom made for them.  Very fitting too, considering the recent hunting trip.  Stepson can't wait to go with his daddy when he is ten. 

We drove down to Houston on Monday afternoon.  I promised I would drive, but then Marcus was a sweetie pie and drove the whole way there & back.

We asked my stepson when he thought we should open presents, that night or the next morning?  Tonight, tonight, tonight!

My sister & her hubby cooked us some delicious steaks, and then presents were opened. 

It was a great year for us.  We have had lots of what we call broke Christmases.  But this year, even though personally, I didn't spend as much on gifts as I normally do, I was very pleased with the results.  I think a lot had to do with my decision to shop online this year.  More family members were able to participate in the giving part.  And Marcus wasn't expecting anything, but he kept getting stuff that he loved.  So I think everyone felt like it was a very generous gift portion of Christmas. 

Thanks family! 

That was a hat from my brother. 

We had so much fun!  Lots of movies & game playing as usual. 

The only thing that was missing was our other little brother who couldn't get off work until next week.  So we shall see pictures of him & his family later. 

In this post are only pictures of the first night.  I have tons more which I will either post in the photo gallery or elsewhere.  I just wanted to get something out there as I believe I'm quite behind on anything that could be considered productive.  I might get behind even more because it's Marcus's 30th today, New Year's Eve!  Then the brother is coming to visit.  I don't think I've hung out with family this much in years! 

And as for the New Year...  I don't really believe in resolutions because I think I should constantly be evaluating my goals rather than setting them once a year. 

I do believe in reflecting a little.  I think I'll always be disappointed in my career progress regardless of how far I am.  But this year, I took a very interesting and large step in my career and love that I did so.  And also this year I started dating my friend of 3 years and then got pregnant with his baby.  That was a pretty big deal.  I have a feeling 2010 will be even bigger.  Cheers to my baby! 

I also believe in toasts...  So to all the families & families to be out there -- may your journey towards & through parenthood be a life-changing & beautiful one.  Happy New Year!!! 

Christmas Number One

After all the presents were opened.  All the gifts were given.  The room seemed empty & lifeless.   A wedding reception after the bride & groom and the guests leave abruptly, and all that's left is the mess and the caterers. 

I always I get a little sad at this moment on Christmas.  All that anticipation... 

I'm pretty good at gifts, and every year I hope someone will challenge my skills, but they never do.  I know it's selfish to think such things, so after that moment of sadness, I tell myself it's not about me, it's not about me.  Then the sadness goes away.  We eat and watch movies and all go on with our lives. 

Not this year though.  It wasn't a gift that changed things.  I think it had something to do with whom I was spending my Christmas.  And I'm not sure if I've ever felt that way before. 

First Marcus came & picked me up during some bad weather because I was afraid to drive. 

Over the course of two days, he cooked for the entire family several times.  He wouldn't let me lift a finger. 

Whenever he walked by, he kissed my forehead. 

He talked to our baby. 

I lay my head on a pillow on the couch, and he put my feet on the couch & covered me with a blanket.   

Maybe he was trying to impress his mom.  Whatever his motivation, I don't care.  He made me feel loved.  

I guess it was a gift that deterred the recurring moment of sadness.  Just an intangible one.