End of an Era

Several weeks ago, we began the end of breastfeeding.  It started with a week of really low milk supply.  When I tried the things I normally try when my supply was low (more sleep, more food, more water, more feeding) & they didn't work, I thought I was pregnant.  That's one of the reasons I came to terms with the possibility of having another baby sooner than later. 

But I started my period a week later.  I decided that perhaps I was sooo low because of something hormonal with PMS.  Whatever the reason, that week I unintentionally began the process of weening Isaiah.  My supply came back probably stronger than before, but we kept giving him formula during the day at the babysitter's. 

I wanted to make it a year.  But...  Work was becoming more mentally demanding.  I needed to sleep less & drink coffee more.  The coffee I think was affecting his sleep, even though I tried not to feed him for hours afterwards.  Sometimes I would forget to eat. 

I pumped once instead of twice during that time & started storing the milk with the intention of continuing a little breast milk when I was completely out. 

For work reasons I probably would have stopped more abruptly, but I still had milk, my baby still wanted it, and I still loved that special time we had together.

Two nights in a row last week, he screamed & screamed because I didn't have enough milk.  I knew the end was near.  I stopped pumping completely during the day.  I would still feed him when I got home...  Until yesterday.  For some reason, towards the end of the day, when he was fussy, and I knew he was hungry, and I tried to feed him, he kept biting me!  Each time, my face became extremely stern, and I said, "No Isaiah, no biting."  And his face immediately (almost before I reacted even) turned into a sad sad face & then he wailed.  I really hate it when he frowns! 

His daddy made him a bottle, and he was happy.  I fed him once in the morning, when I was too lazy to make him a bottle, and I guess he was too sleepy to bite me again. 

Oh Isaiah, I guess you're done with me??  Thanks for making me not feel so bad for quitting.

Milk Supply

Started taking Fenugreek Seed yesterday because I'm not so happy with my milk. When I'm with Isaiah all day, I never seem to make any extra to pump. And when I'm away, I don't even pump enough to replace what he used with the babysitter. My huge supply is almost depleted after this past week's activities.

2 capsules with every meal. It seems to be helping already. I tried this other one that comes in liquid form from Motherlove. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted. I'm going to take the Whole Foods associate's advice & just try the Fenugreek for awhile. I love Whole Foods. Wish I could afford it.

Sixteen Days

I think I shafted a part of the mothering process in my last post.  I talked about losing sleep, but I don’t think I gave this difficult part justice.  Because the next few days after that post were much worse.  I guess it wasn’t really the sleep deprivation.  It was just everything.

Isaiah cried much more after we got him circumcised.  Understandably, poor little thing!  So I was sad every time I changed his diaper.  And afterwards.  And before. 

Marcus worked that night, and he always works really late, getting home around 2am.  And the next night for some reason he decided he would go have some drinks with his work friends & again came home after 2am.  Right after I talked about how helpful he had been!  And then the next night he took his 5 year old to his parents’ house so he could go fishing with them the next day, and he ended up staying the night.  The days weren’t difficult because my mom was there.  But three nights in a row, I was by myself with his painful incessant cries.  When I tried to talk to Marcus about it, he said he understood but acted annoyed that I was talking.  I realize that it only felt worse because these three events just happened to occur back to back.  But it still felt like I was being abandoned.

I was exhausted and sad.  I don’t remember anyone talking about how difficult the first few weeks were.  Maybe they told me, and I didn’t listen?  I called my sister to see how things were for her.  They were a blur, she said.  She remembers crying a lot, dreading falling asleep, knowing she would be woken up in the middle of the night to feed him.  She remembers being mean to my mom, who was there to help her too; she refused to accept her help.  But she assured me that it gets better.  Maybe it was a blur to her because afterwards it was so rewarding. 

For me, it did immediately begin getting better. 

Marcus, Isaiah, his big brother, and I went to brunch Sunday, an old tradition with an old friend that was in town.  And lots of old friends came to see her off & to meet Isaiah.  It was the first time I fixed my hair & put on makeup since before the birth.  It felt good to be out, to see everyone, to be surrounded by loved ones.  I was really nervous about the possibility of having to breastfeed in public, but he slept the whole time! 

We didn’t have any events this week, so Marcus was around mostly during the day.  That helped.  I guess I’m okay when I feel like we’re doing this together. 

My friend Trisha let us borrow The Happiest Baby on the Block, and that has helped significantly at times.  He has healed from the circumcision, so it seems like there is less crying.  And also, I bought a sling.  I am sooo far away from being able to use it properly, but Isaiah & I already love it.  He falls asleep almost immediately after getting in, and I love that he is close to me.  I can feel him breathing as I type now. 

Eight Days

I can’t believe it’s been a week already.  I can’t believe I gave birth to that baby that was in my belly for 10 months.  I can’t believe I actually gave birth.  I can’t believe I have a baby. 

These are the thoughts that constantly run through my mind these days.

It’s been 8 days since Isaiah was born.  And it has been quite a fairy tale.  A fairy tale with villains & adventures, with magic & happiness.

In other words, it’s been difficult but wonderful. 

My mom & little sister have been saints in taking care of me while Marcus is at work, which has been a lot this past week.  They cooked & cleaned & brought me water & comforted Isaiah when I needed to take a shower or eat.  While nursing, I have been reading about nursing (Breastfeeding Made Simple & The Nursing Mother’s Companion), and I read a theory that the reason there are high rates of postpartum depression & baby blues in the U.S. is because we don’t emphasize a postpartum support system as much as they do in other countries.  My heart goes out to all the new mothers that don’t have the support they need, and thank you to my family for giving it to me.  I can’t imagine doing this without them. 

And Marcus, he’s been fabulous too.  It’s been a little tough on him because he’s been working the several events we’ve had this week along with working his other job.  But when he’s home, he’s so helpful, wanting to spend a lot of time with Isaiah.  Waking up in the middle of the night to help calm him, taking him for walks outside in the morning before it gets too hot, and changing lots of diapers.  During the first few difficult nights, when I couldn’t get our baby to stop crying, I said to him, “I’m sorry I can’t do it all by myself.”   His response was, “Jewel, you’re not supposed to.” 

But we’ve both lost a lot of sleep.  Some nights Isaiah will want to feed seemingly all night.  Then some nights he will be fine, but the days will be long.  At first I didn’t want to keep feeding him because I thought, surely he can’t be hungry again.  So I tried to calm him in other ways.  This meant there was a lot of crying & screaming in the middle of the night.  But since then from reading & talking to other mothers, we can’t be the ones to decide whether he has had enough milk, and it’s perfectly normal for babies to go on “feeding frenzies” at any point(s) throughout the day or night.  So now I feed him as often as he desires, and everyone is much happier. 

Breast feeding was a little painful at first.  Then at my postpartum checkup Sarah taught me what I was doing wrong & how to fix it.  He wasn’t latching on properly.  Since then, I think we’re getting the hang of it, or I’m learning his rhythm as one book would say, & the soreness is subsiding.

Isaiah’s cord fell off three days ago.  Instead of alcohol we used a hairdryer on low for every diaper change.  So he had his first bath Tuesday.  I think hatred might be a good word for his current feelings towards baths.  Next time I will bring him in a bath with me. 

Yesterday we made an unexpected visit to the Rabbi Michael Rovinsky, because when we finally got around to calling him that morning, he advised that he was about to leave for Israel & that we should come in that day.  So we took our first trip, my first time outside in a week & Isaiah’s first time in a car.  Climbing a flight of stairs was a little difficult, and it may have not been a recommended outing for my recovery, but I feel fine.  Isaiah liked riding in a car.  It soothed him to sleep after the circumcision. 

The Rabbi was recommended to us by our midwife.  We were told of two possible procedures, the hospital kind & the Rabbi Rovinsky kind, and we chose the Rabbi’s 30 second circumcision compared to the hospital’s 30 minute one.  We are quite pleased with the decision & that we called him when we did.  He made us feel comfortable with fabulous bedside manner & finished the procedure as quickly as promised. 

Changing his diaper afterwards though is...  Heartbreaking.  And I'm pretty sure he's having nightmares about it because I've never seen him so active in his sleep.  I can’t wait for it to heal.

He’s getting bigger, in length, in his belly, and in his face.  He’s getting cuter, if that’s even possible. 

Since I have been nursing & changing diapers & trying to sleep & eat, I have had very little time for anything else.  I’m behind on work, school, & writing.  I still haven’t written my version of the birth, which is extremely important to me.  I feel like I should be doing all of that & exercising & cooking & cleaning already. 

But I’m not.  My midwife scared me into believing that I would recover faster if I forced myself to rest.  And I am sooooo grateful that I am able to.  That I have a business that allows me to take a step back.  That I have a boyfriend that is there to take over that business & to help comfort me & Isaiah when he’s not working.  That I have family that takes care of me.  That I have friends that continue to send their love.  That I get to spend most of my days getting to know my son.  That I have a healthy beautiful baby boy.