Oh My Gosh...

Isaiah & I have been sick since my last post.  We started getting better just last week.  A bit lingers on - a little congestion almost every morning but gone again by night time.  It was just a really bad cold, with fever, sore throats & congestion.  Marcus & family wanted to take him to the hospital because it wasn't going away.  But I convinced them to leave it alone.  That there was no medicine that would cure a cold, and I was confident that it was only a cold, nothing bacterial.  I didn't let him take any tylenol because I had heard too much about baby medicine recalls. 

Anyway, lots has happened in the mean time.  Too much to talk about tonight.

Tonight, I'm saying Oh my gosh because Marcus is trying to put Isaiah asleep.  Historically I put him to sleep because I've got the soothing voice.

While he was sick, we got into the habit of nursing in bed while lying down, whenever he wished.  Right before bed, right before nap time, whenever.  He did it so much, he now just rolls over whenever he is hungry.  This led to his waking more frequently throughout the night.  Also, there were many nights when he would only fall asleep in my arms, a characteristic he didn't even have when he was new.  He got used to that too.  I knew when he was better, we would have to get back to him putting himself to sleep.

I decided tonight would be the night.  I put him to bed in his crib when I knew he was tired & full.  We let him cry for 7 minutes, and Marcus couldn't take it any longer.  He went to try to get him to sleep.  He pushed me out of the room when I tried to help.  He's probably been in there 15 minutes now, and the crying is worse than it was after 7 minutes of his crying by himself. 

Marcus likes to accuse me of spoiling Isaiah.  I always ask him what he would do in the same situation.  Now I know.

He Cried Himself to Sleep

Usually when Isaiah is sleepy, I pat my baby's back & sing to him, and he goes swiftly to sleep.  I love doing it, lying next to him; it's just a moment that we have that's only ours.  Marcus can't do that.  It's hard for him to be soft & soothing, and he can't sing.  The few times he's tried have been funny because he will make up a song, soften his voice & try to sound like me. 

One night Marcus decided we were going to try the cry-it-out method.  It was really hard.  But it worked.  After that, shortly after putting him down he would play himself to sleep.  We only had to do it once. 

Since then, occasionally, I would still lie next to him & sing to him until he slept.  It's just so rewarding to see him look intently into my eyes, captivated, until he can't keep his eyes open anymore.  And then sometimes, he would still play himself to sleep. 

Recently I've noticed that he sleeps better by himself, so I've decided to let him sleep in his crib more often. 

Also recently he started rolling over again from his stomach to his back, and that just throws everything off for him.  Since he hasn't figured out how to roll over the other way, he gets soooo upset.  And when he's playing himself to sleep, that means practicing his new rolling over trick & getting upset.  How do you fix this?

Tonight I decided I would see if he would learn to fall asleep again by himself.  Even harder this time because Marcus went out with his cousins.  15 minutes in I heard silence followed by a horrible wail.  I buckled and went in & turned him around & put his pacifier in his mouth.  It took everything to keep myself from picking him up & soothing him.  But I refrained.  5 minutes later, silence for 1 minute.  Another wail, silence, another wail, more cries.  Half cries.  Like half sucking, when he's asleep but still wants to nurse.  Silence again. 

I feel like a horrible mother. 

Things That Have Given Us Peace

A wise woman once told me that when it comes to your man, you should make a list of all the things you want from him.  And then only expect half.  And you will be happy. 

Said in this manner, I thought this advice was brilliant, although I've always followed a similar philosophy: lower my expectations, and I won't be disappointed as much.  I think this originated from my years in theater, when I learned that acting is reacting, and I decided that in life too, your feelings stem from reactions to whatever is going on. 

And I've always tried to apply a similar way of thinking to the way I treat other people.  Underpromise, overdeliver.  If my friends, family, clients expect less than what I actually give them, they will always be satisfied. 

Why am I talking all of this nonsense?  Because I recently had a revelation.  I should apply this philosophy to my son's sleeping habits.  I was getting frustrated when we were in bed at night, and he wasn't sleeping when I thought he should be.  When I decided to try something new, I moved to the living room, where we could change positions more.  I could rock him there, bounce on the ball, just sit on the couch, and sometimes watch TV (he likes the TV now).  As soon as I stopped expecting him to fall asleep, our lives became much more pleasant.  He's not sleeping more usually (although he did sleep 4.5 hours today!), but we are all happier, especially Marcus, for whom this sometimes means an uninterrupted night of sleep.  

Someone else's equally applicable advice:  Isaiah is the boss. 

There is another thing that has equally contributed to our peace...  The swaddle.  I heard a lot about swaddling before Isaiah came along, but when he got here, I figured he didn't like it because he screamed & screamed every time we tried to put him in one.  And he seemed to really like having his hands around.  But after we watched The Happiest Baby on the Block, we decided to give it another shot.  It has done wonders.  If he is full and fussy still, we swaddle him up & hold him on his side with his back to our belly.  He immediately calms.  Sometimes we have to adjust him to upright stomach to stomach or rock him or bounce on the ball, but none of these things work without the swaddle. 

See, look how happy he is! 

I Love You

Your curly soft black hair.  Your big ears.  Your big beautiful lips.  Your tiny fingernails that only stay still during brief moments of sleep.  Your big brown wandering eyes.  Your squeaks of discomfort or wonder or amazement.  Even when those squeaks turn into screams.  Your soft soft skin. 

The way you smile as you adjust yourself during a nap.  The way when you're done eating that you always pull away with a little drop of milk on your chin, lie back & close your eyes in satisfaction.  The way your eyebrows raise just like your daddy's.  The way you squeeze your fists close to your head while sleeping.  The way you throw them in the air if you are awakened.   The way you violently fight your gas.  The way you desperately need something to suck on when you're fighting. 

The way you immediately calm when you’re in your father’s arms. 

The way just lying their sleeping can distract me from everything.  I am fascinated by your existence.

I love you Isaiah.